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Friday, 11 March 2016
Funny Insurance Jokes,Puns,Quotes,One Liners
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for $50,000 and I want my money.”
The adjuster replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t quite work like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth”.
There was a long pause before Susan said, “Then I’d like to cancel the life insurance on my husband”.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid
for everything and I’m using some of the insurance money for this trip.”
“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.
“Don’t let me pressure you,” the life insurance salesman said. “Sleep on it tonight. If you wake up in the morning, you can give me a call.”
A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill.
The doctor says to her, “I have some bad news for you.
You only have three months to live.”
“Oh that’s terrible,” the woman sighs, “what am I going do?”
The doctor replies, “Marry an insurance agent.”
“Will I live longer?” asks the woman.
” No,” replies the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
“We don’t need any one,” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing.”
“We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.
“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime.”
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.
He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and this one is Mr. Smith’s.”
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!”
Insurance Jokes One Liners
Insurance agents never retire, they just expire.
Insurance agents are premium lovers.
Insurance agents do it with third parties.
Jim´s barn burned down. Julie, his wife, called the insurance company and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”
“Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn´t work like that. We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.” the agent replied.
Julie, after a pause, said, “Well, in that case, I´d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”
What´s the best thing about turning 65? No more calls from life insurance agents.
A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, “I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live.”
“Oh that´s terrible,” the woman sighs, “what am I going do?”
The doctor replies, “Marry an insurance agent.”
“Will I live longer?” asks the woman. “
“No,” replies the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”
There was a beautiful Blonde talking to the police after a car accident and explaining why she does not have insurance.
The blonde says “there are worst things in life than totaling your car.”
The policeman looked at her and asked “Oh what?”
The blonde replied “Spending an evening with the insurance agent.”
A insurance sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She´s gone.
In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He´s gone.
“OK, you´re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.
Mr. James Barricks, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:
“I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me.”
Mr. Barricks died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.
On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed “I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Barricks, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It´s what he would have wanted.”
Then the preacher said: “I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Barricks. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it´s what Mr. Barricks would´ve wanted”
The insurance agent was angry at both men and said: “I can´t believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Barricks a check for the full $30,000!”
A drunk wanders into the lounge of a hotel where an insurance convention is being held, intent on causing trouble. He yells, “I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn´t like it, come up and do something about it.”
Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, “You take that back!”
The drunk snears and replies, “Why, are you an agent?”
“No,” the man replies, “I´m a crook.”
A super genius goes in to see a doctor. “Doc,” the genius says, “I think I´m too smart. I´m having trouble even communicating with people because we have no common frame of reference, and it´s ruining my social life. Can anything be done?”
The doctor runs a series of tests on the genius, and indeed finds that he is too smart. He says, “Currently, your IQ is 250, which is vastly superior to an average man. This is why your having trouble communicating. I do have a cure, however. I have a machine that will drain away some of your intellegence, leaving you with an IQ of 160. You´ll still be a genius, but you should be able to lead a normal life as well.”
The genius immediately agrees to the treatment, so the doctor straps him into the machine.
Just as the doctor turns on the device, he gets a phone call from his ex-wife. They have a heated phone conversation for several minutes before the doctor remembers his patient. He rushes back, and is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75.
The doctor says, “Are you all right?”
The former genius just stares blankly.
The doctor shakes him, saying “Say Something.”
The former genius replies, “Can I interest you in a life insurance policy?”
Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn´t there the first time, chances are you won´t be needing it again.
Never argue with an idiot client. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
An insurance salesman, risk manager and a safety director are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. “I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn,” the innkeeper says.
The safety director volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed.
In a short time they´re awakened by a knock. It´s the safety director, who says, “There´s a cow in that barn. I´m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal.”
The risk manager says that, OK, he´ll sleep in the barn.
The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock.
It´s the risk manager who says, “There´s a pig in the barn. I´m Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal.”
So the insurance salesman is sent to the barn.
It´s getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep.
But they´re awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It´s the cow and the pig!
A life insurance agent was completing an application and got to the part on health history. He asked his client how his grandfather died.
This was his client´s startling answer. “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
Last week I bought a retirement policy. All I´ve got to do is keep up the payments for 15 years and my agent can retire.
I thought my group insurance plan was fine until I discovered that I couldn´t collect until the whole group is sick.
I bought a new life insurance policy but the small print is impossible to understand. All I´m sure of is that after I die, I can stop paying.
Life insurance is really strange. It´s a weird concept. You really don´t get anything for it. It works like this: You pay me money. And when you die, I´ll pay you money.
Buying insurance is what keeps people poor so that they can end up dying rich.
A state adopts strict new insurance self study CE (Continuing Education) requirements for its agents. The tests they now require are very difficult, can take no more than an hour to complete, and must be taken at a certified testing center.
On the first day of the new requirements, an agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.
“You´ll never finish this test on time,” the test administrator coldly states.
“Just give me the test,” replies the agent, “I´ll finish it.”
Skeptically, the administrator gives the agent the test.
The time limit comes and passes and yet the agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.
“You can´t turn that in,” states the test administrator, “you knew there was a time limit.”
“Do you know who I am?” replies the agent.
“No”, says the administrator.
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM. ” the agent says more forcefully.
“No, and I really don´t care” replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.
“Good,” says the agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.
A retired insurance agent, now in his mid 70’s, about to receive anesthesia is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon should only perform the operation.
The old man signalled to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” asked the son.
“Don´t be jittery son, perform your best, and never forget that if it fails, if something should happen to me, your mother will live with you and your wife the rest of her days.”
A man is walking down the street smoking, drinking bourbon and swearing to himself.
A preacher came over to him and dressed him down good. He finished with “I´m 64 years old and I have never smoked, drank or swore!”
The man replied “Yes, and you have never sold insurance either!”
Last night as I lay sleeping, I died or so it seemed,
Then I went to heaven, but only in my dream.
Up there St. Peter met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said “I must check your record, please stand here and wait.”
He turned and said “Your record Is covered with terrible flaws,
On earth I see you rallied for every losing cause.
I see that you drank alcohol and smoked and used drugs too,
Fact is, you´ve done everything a good person should never do.
We can´t have people like you up here, your life was full of sin,”
Then he read the last of my record, took my hand and said “Come in.”
He lead me up to the big boss and said “Take him in and treat him well,
He used to sell Insurance, he´s done his time in hell.”
How do agents traditionally greet each other?
“Hi. Nice to meet you. I´m better than you.”
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, “Three weeks. The doctor can´t see me for three weeks. I could well be dead by then!”
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?”
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient´s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed.
“Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.
A Life Insurance agent decides to take a good friend with him to the horse race track and enjoy the afternoon. When he returns home his wife asks, “How was your day, did you make any money.”
He replies back “Well, I didn’t make any money today, but my client sure learned how gambling with the numbers certainly doesn´t pay off.”
With all of today´s attractive accident insurance policies, a man can´t afford to die a natural death.
A lawyer and a broker were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I´m here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything.”
“That´s quite a coincidence,” said the broker. “I´m here because my house was destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The puzzled lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”
My dinner party was headed for disaster. One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy. “In the end,” the salesman concluded, “you know who got all the money?”
I cringed when he shouted “The lawyers!”
There was embarrassed silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, “Oh, I do love a story with a happy ending!”
An agent walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. “I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie. “But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double.”
The salesman thought about this for a while. “For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. “But your rival has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I´ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But your rival has just received two Ferraris,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the salesman, “I´ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
Life is beset by many annoyances, and those that stand out above all are the life insurance agents.
“There are worst things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance agent?”
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
An insurance agent said to a customer,
“Thank you, Mr. Barricks, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty clients like you.”
“Gosh, it´s nice to hear that, but I´m kind of surprised,” admitted Mr. Barricks. “you know that I file many claims and always pay premium late.”
The insurance agent said, ” I´d still like twenty clients like you. The problem is, I have two hundred like you.”
Car one liners
My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxi.
Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti. U should of saw her face as I drove pasta.
I forgot my coffee this morning so I’m gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.
I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!